Compassionate Versus Companionate Love

By Adrian Sargeant, PhD

Professor of Fundraising – Institute for Sustainable Philanthropy

Hands up who would like to show a little more love to their donors? We can probably all agree that some additional love is due. After all, without their kindness and generosity we’d have no way to pursue our missions and drive societal change.

But what kind of love should we offer and between whom should it be fostered? Are we growing our love for the donor, their love for us (our organization, our brand) or facilitating their love of our focal community (what we used to refer to as the “beneficiaries” of our work). Of all the relationships we might create for our donors, which has the greatest potential for deepening love and the wellbeing it creates?

We then have to ask ourselves what kind of love should we be working to achieve?

In our recent review of the psych science literature on love, we found two key forms of love with a direct relevance to fundraising; compassionate love and companionate love.

Much of what we do in fundraising (and particularly in the context of emergencies) grows compassionate love. This is the love we experience for others. When we see people who are distant from us in some way, perhaps geographically, but certainly in terms of their life experience, circumstances and beliefs, we view them as other. We have little in common, but when we see them suffer we feel compassion for them and we give as a consequence. Living out that sense of compassion contributes meaningfully to supporter wellbeing, so donors can experience positive feelings of uplift when they give, overcoming the negative emotion they may have experienced when witnessing the suffering. After all, it feels good to help “others.”

But another form of love is possible; companionate love. This is the love that we have for those that are close to us or part of who we are. It is the warm and nurturing love that we experience with friends and family; those that we see as the same as us, walking a part of life’s journey with us. In extremis it is the love that we feel for those that we see as a part of who we are at our core and thus part of our sense of “self.” This type of love too can deliver significant upliftment and wellbeing. It feels good to lift up the “self.”

Our most recent research has shown that both types of love can contribute to wellbeing and promote more positive future giving intentions. So fundraisers could use either in their communications and appeals. It’s a choice.

Many emergency appeals may be designed, for example, to stimulate compassionate love. The love literature tells us that fostering a sense of empathy will NOT be worthwhile, because donors will most likely never have experienced a catastrophic earthquake or famine and hence can’t feel what others do when they are living it. Rather, the job of fundraising copy is to paint a detailed and emotional picture of the need, growing awareness of the circumstances facing the community. The community may not be like us, may not have the same experiences as us, but we give because we experience compassion when the need is clear and we can take steps to alleviate it.

In companionate love, the goal is to allow the donor to walk with the focal community and experience (and offer) the associated warmth and companionship. Our use of copy needs to reflect or develop that sense of closeness and mutuality. But of course, making a friend does not happen at first sight, so it is no surprise that time plays a key role in companionate love. This type of love develops slowly as people become more familiar with (and therefore like) another person. Once formed, it is an enduring and stable form of love, the satisfaction it delivers, increasing with age.

Companionate love is of particular interest because of the transformation it can drive from out-group to in-group. When I first start giving I may regard a group as “other” and give out of compassion as we have just described. But as I become more familiar with “them” and begin to see more similarities between “them” and me,  feelings of proximity begin to develop. This in turn opens the door to companionate love and feelings associated with “me” and my extended self.  

Why is this of interest?

Many charities want to aid a particular group or community. That is a given. But some have a concomitant goal of reducing “othering” and thus changing how a group is viewed or defined. They may even want to eliminate the categorization that created the “group” in the first place. Put another way they can want to drive a transformation from out-group to in-group and move donors from “other” to being as one with them. Fundraising communication can help drive this transformation if it grows the right kind of love.

So how else might we grow love?

The literature tells us that compassionate love can be grown by allowing the donor to see a little of themselves in the focal community. So while I may not have experienced a natural disaster or famine, the distance between me and the beneficiary can be shrunk in other ways – perhaps through the realization of other shared experiences (e.g. parenthood) or a shared value or value set. But in compassionate love, my love is enhanced because I now see a little of “me” in “them.” It remains a love of other.

Many of the same mechanisms (i.e. familiarity, proximity and similarity) can also boost companionate love. But there is an important distinction. Companionate love grows when I come to experience a little of “them” as “me.” It remains a love of self.

So what started as a seemingly straightforward question – what kind of love should we create – has morphed into something altogether more complex with profound implications for how we craft the language of our communications. Decisions in respect of love should be both deliberate, strategic and followed through in all that we do. Grow the right kind of love in the right way and fundraisers will deliver longer more satisfying relationships capable of transforming both donors and focal communities alike.

Adrian Sargeant PhD

Institute for Sustainable Philanthropy

July 2024

Our detailed review of the love literature can be found via our Reports page.